Man vs. Bear
Women choose the bear and (some) men react with derision or rage. #NotAllMen (sigh) If you’ve seen the memes and fallout on social media but don’t know what’s happening, it began with a thought experiment:
If you’re alone in the woods, would you rather encounter a bear or a man?
There are variations, such as asking a man if he’d rather his daughter encounter a bear or a man. Whatever the version, it’s not about fighting a bear or being attacked by a bear. It’s simply a question of whether you would rather encounter (share space) with a bear or a man.
Most women choose the bear and some men are reacting poorly. By poorly, I mean with angry rants, threats, and name calling. Either in comments or through DMs. Since they are making their rage fueled arguments without any trace of irony, let’s look at some of the possible reasons for their emotional meltdowns.
Women are “Unreasonable”
All of my life, I’ve heard women described as “unreasonable.” Men are logical, women are emotional. Women flitter around making silly choices until men step in and show them a better way. Women choose the bear, and men step in to explain that bears kill people. (Are you gagging yet?)
Despite these so-called gender characteristics that pervade our society, women are just as logical and reasonable as men (maybe more so). And men, as we see by some of their latest screaming fits over this thought experiment, are just as emotional as women (maybe more so).
What if it’s less about being “reasonable” and more about accepting that other people have different life experiences?
Have you ever expressed a feeling and been told, “There’s no reason to feel that way?” If so, why does that person think they can tell you what you should or shouldn’t be feeling? Believe it or not, all emotions have a reason. The reason (or trigger) for that emotion may be highly personal. Someone who has been in a car accident may react more strongly to being cut off in traffic, even if another passenger isn’t bothered.
In my experience, many humans, both men and women, lack emotional literacy. This weakness may be more prevalent among men because our society files emotions under “women stuff.” In fact, empathy and caring about other people’s feelings also have historically been seen as girly, feminine, wimpy, etc.
In our bear scenario, women already know that bears are dangerous. Their life experiences have also taught them that men are dangerous. It isn’t a question of whether a bear or man is more physically capable of violence but rather one of likelihood.
How likely is the risk of a bear attack vs. the risk of men attacking women?
If we want to be “reasonable” about the risks of encountering a bear or a man, we can look at some statistics.
First up, bears. Bears are certainly dangerous and you absolutely should learn about bear safety if you’re planning to hike or camp in bear territory. That being said, your chance of being attacked by bear is quite low. According to National Geographic, chance of injury by a bear is about 1 in 2.1 million. It’s also been noted that more people die from bee stings than bear attacks each year.
Now consider just a few facts from UN Woman about the prevalence of violence against women and girls:
- Globally, an estimated 736 million women—almost one in three—have been subjected to physical and/or sexual intimate partner violence, non-partner sexual violence, or both at least once in their life (30 per cent of women aged 15 and older). This figure does not include sexual harassment.
- Most violence against women is perpetrated by current or former husbands or intimate partners. More than 640 million or 26 per cent of women aged 15 and older have been subjected to intimate partner violence.
- Of those who have been in a relationship, almost one in four adolescent girls aged 15–19 (24 per cent) has experienced physical and/or sexual violence from an intimate partner or husband. Sixteen per cent of young women aged 15 to 24 experienced this violence in the past 12 months.
Regardless of statistics, women choose the bear because their life experiences have led to them not feeling safe around men. Some men do not want to believe them.
Men are “Natural Protectors”
I’ve seen angry men saying that women who choose the bear are unreasonable, ignorant, childish, disrespectful, or full of themselves. Some of those adjectives speak to the argument that woman are too silly to understand the reality of a bear attack. Others clearly seem to come from a fear of rejection. As if women choose the bear as a way to say they think they are too good for men…? Or men are beneath them…?
Aside from being portrayed as the logical, reasonable, and more intelligent of the genders, men in our society have often been held up as the providers and protectors. Some men are threatened by knowing that we now have a society where women can legally be independent (work a full-time job, own property, have credit cards and bank accounts, etc.). How can they be the big, strong men women rely on if women choose the bear?
Yet their defensiveness makes them miss the entire point of the thought experiment.
What if, instead of being a competition of man vs. bear, the question is a way to show that women do not feel safe in our society?
Women do not feel safe in our society because women are not safe in our society. Women are objectified, harassed, and attacked every day. If men are “natural protectors,” why are women in danger?
The idea that men “protect” women is just a way of maintaining dominance. When men are afraid of rejection, they try to position themselves as a “need” in a woman’s life. It’s not enough to be a woman’s equal partner, because then she might not stay.
There are way too many men who are entirely comfortable with the idea of getting what they want from women through dominance, coercion, or violence. Sometimes it’s easy to pick them out of a crowd. Often, they seem to be a “nice guy” until they’ve maneuvered past a woman’s defenses. This is another reason woman choose the bear: bears are a known danger, while men may hide their true intentions.
While I joked earlier about #NotAllMen, let’s be clear that no gender discussion is about all men or all women. This post is specifically about the men who are reacting badly when women choose the bear. If you haven’t noticed, there are other men who also choose the bear. And some women, like me, are also a little unsure of choosing a woman over a bear because women can be dangerous, too.
The problem comes when people are unable to listen to the answers of a thought experiment or survey and learn from them.
What Do Women Want?
When it comes to the bear scenario, women want their answer to be heard. When women choose the bear, they want men to recognize the danger that women navigate in their daily lives. Men are wary of bears when they go hiking, while women are wary of men everywhere they go.
To better understand why women feel unsafe, it may help to learn more about gender inequality in general. Women have spent generations fighting for our right to stand on equal footing, and we are still fighting for our rights.
Consider these results from a survey by Georgetown Institute for Women, Peace, and Security which asks Americans about gender inequality:
- Two thirds – 66 percent – believe there is not full equality for women in work, life, and politics.
- Almost half – 46 percent – of women report feeling unsafe sometimes or often in their daily life because of their gender. This rate increases to 53 percent for Black women and 59 percent for Latinx women.
- A solid majority – 59 percent – believe men have more opportunities than women when it comes to getting good-paying jobs.
- More than half – 55 percent – believe that women in the U.S. are only sometimes or rarely/never treated with dignity and respect.
Furthermore, look at this Equality Survey chart showing which US demographics feel we have or have not reached gender equality. The only groups where the majority believe we have reached equality are Those Without a College Degree (55%) and Republican Men (87%)
Find the larger, interactive chart and additional information here.
We’re Still Talking About the Bear?
This bear scenario, and women choosing the bear, has gotten a lot of attention. Maybe you think it’s too much attention and you’re ready for it to be over. (Why are you reading this post?!) Or maybe you’re happy to see the conversations it has sparked.
I’ve written about some of my own experiences with intimate partner violence in the past (examples here and here). My first novel, The Insistence of Memory, touches on similar violence, and my second novel, To the Left of Death, includes a look at the aftermath of trauma (including childhood sexual assault).
As we saw during the height of the #MeToo movement, these are important topics that need to be discussed. Hopefully this post has added something to the conversation. Feel free to add your own thoughts in the comments.