Society wants me to stay young forever. I should dye my hair, botox my wrinkles, consider a little nip and tuck when the time comes. But I don’t want to be young, or look young, forever. I’m turning 50 this year. I’ve been the maiden and the mother. I’m ready to be the crone, and I wish society saw the joy in that.
To be fair, I realize that I have a rather youthful face for someone my age. It’s not because of a special skin routine or any beauty treatments. It’s genetics. Which I can’t control. If I could, I’d trade the youthful skin for a body that didn’t have chronic pain or for an immune system that didn’t react to so many foods, pets, pollens, etc.
Is Youth a Compliment?
I get that it’s meant to be a compliment when people say I look young. I’ve never liked it. Expressing surprise at my age always felt more like a judgment. Especially when paired with hearing the age of my kids. “You don’t look old enough to have teenagers!” (or whatever age they were/are). Okay. What is “old enough”? Who decides that?
The judgement issue aside, I don’t want to be a teenager or young adult again. Those were not good years for me. In fact, they were the hardest, and I feel lucky to have simply survived as too many teenagers do not. If I could go back, I would not.
Let’s face it, teens and young adults are pretty stupid. They may look like mini adults, but their brains are still developing and their emotional systems are in flux. Even the most accomplished, educated teens and young adults are still figuring out so much about the world and their place in it.
Looking back, I can’t believe the amount of responsibility I had when I was in my early 20s. Yes, I handled it reasonably well, and I’m proud of my early accomplishments. Yet, it wasn’t the apex of my life, and it hasn’t all gone downhill from there. Quite the contrary. I was 42 when I published my first novel, and I love the life I have created since then as a novelist and yoga teacher.
The Maiden, Mother, and Crone
Throughout history, women’s phases of life have been described as maiden, mother, and crone. Ancient religions may depict these phases as the triple goddess. This theme has continued into our modern era, with explorations through neopaganism, psychology, and other scholarly works. The concept of the triple goddess was historically linked to the phases of the moon. The maiden being the waxing moon (growing brighter), the mother being the full moon, and the crone being the waning moon (fading to darkness).
Yet you do not have to delve into ancient religions or Jungian psychology to feel the maiden, mother, and goddess phases in your own life.
As maidens, we arrive and awaken to the world around us. Everything is new. We are told what to believe and how to behave. Limitations, both legally (as minors) and experientially, can make us both frustrated and vulnerable. We have a lot to learn, and often stumble as we test our limits through trial and error.
As mothers, we move into adulthood with more understanding, yet still have a lot to learn. We have more freedom and more responsibilities. As we explore our career and social roles, we test our beliefs and experiences against what we see in the world around us. We strive to fit in, while still figuring out what makes us unique.
As crones, we are moving toward the end of our lives. We have lost, or are beginning to lose, loved ones. Our beliefs and values have been tested. We realize that answers are not as clear as we once thought. Hopefully, we allow ourselves to simply be who we are, without striving to please others. We begin to transform knowledge into wisdom.
In writing that, I realize that I’ve described these life phases using the same words my friend Gretchen Schutte uses as a framework for her yoga classes: Arrive, awaken, explore, allow, and be. A happy coincidence or an echo of that cycle repeating all around us. (Connect with Gretchen at Peace in the Pause.)
Celebrate the Crone
In our society, youth is celebrated. Young people are full of possibility. They are the future. We look back at our more youthful bodies with a glow of nostalgia, forgetting how we actually felt in those years. Women in their “mother years” (whether they have children or not), are celebrated for their beauty and ability to give to the world. They are seen as nurturing and life-giving… which is often used against them, limiting careers and forcing gender stereotypes, but is meant to be a celebration, I guess. (Discussion for another time.)
Yet fear sets in around older women. We dread moving past middle-age into those elderly, post-menopausal years. Horror stories abound when it comes to menopause, wrinkles, brittle bones, etc. With good reasons, as medical research largely focuses on men and ignores the issues faced by older women.
We, as a society, do not celebrate older women. We do not revere, respect, or celebrate the crone. However, I do not want to shy away from getting older. For me, aging is like leveling up in a video game. It’s an accomplishment. Each year, I gain more experience. I learn more about the world around me, and I turn more of that knowledge into practical wisdom.
As a society, let’s do more to celebrate the crone. Look to older women as a source of inspiration. Read the books they’ve written and view the art they’ve created. If you like podcasts, check out Wiser Than Me with Julia Louis-Dreyfus.
In your own life, embrace your accomplishments. Dye your hair if you like. Get any treatments that make you feel good about yourself. But don’t try to hide your age. Celebrate your life and be proud of the wisdom you now have to offer.