Last week was my 49th birthday, but I’m not worried about turning 50. For me, the scary age was 48. As I’ve written about before, my mom died when she was 48 and my impressionable, 13-year-old brain decided that was the age I would die, too.
As the years passed, I didn’t entirely believe that. In fact, I was mostly sure it wasn’t true. But part of me still believed it. And then I turned 48… And now I’ve turned 49.
A Birthday in the Mountains
Peter and I went out to the mountains for my birthday this year. It was wonderful to be in nature, staying at a cabin with a spectacular view. We spent several days without a schedule, sleeping until we woke up, exploring local towns, wineries, and caverns.
I also took my yoga mat out on our private deck for my morning practices.
On the morning of my birthday, I shared these pictures and the following message on my socials:
I’m 49 today. Older, wiser, less slim, still strong. Peter snapped some pics of my morning practice. It was chilly but worth the mountain view and the sounds of acorns falling through the trees.
I resisted the urge to retouch these photos. Yes, I have stretch marks and some rolls where I bend. But I feel pretty great as I inch toward my 50s.
My mom died when she was 48. I’m now past her age, living more years than she had. In a strange way, I feel like I’m living the rest of my life for both of us. Carrying her forward as long as I can.
Older and Wiser
Part of me wasn’t sure I would make it to 48 and the rest of my didn’t know how I might feel after turning 49. Strangely, the danger seems to have passed. Yes, I will die someday, just like everyone else. Yet, not dying when I was 48 is proof that I don’t know when I will die. I could die at 49 or I could live to be 100. There’s freedom in not knowing.
I can do what I want, day by day, and enjoy living as long as I can.
There may be challenges that come with aging, but I’ve faced challenges my whole life. When I look at these pictures of my birthday practice, I see the stretch marks and added weight. But I also see that I can still hold myself up in a steady side plank. I can bend into upward bow, even if the arc of my back is less extreme. Best of all, I can still balance in toe stand… on the foot that was once very broken!
I don’t know what life will bring, but I can take it day by day, carrying my mom–and all of my experiences–into the future.
